The Need To Be Dusted

Took my post duty off today. Got into cleaning up my messy room. When I say messy, I mean it’s really messy. Unwashed utensils, uncleaned benchtops, unswept room,clothes lying around on chair, and yada yada. So you know how my post duty off went by. I realised I had to throw out some stuff , once done I started with the cleaning.

It was not the papers lying around that bothered me nor was it the unwashed vessels. What bothered me the most was the books that have caught dust. I haven’t touched most of them in such a long time that most of them have caught a lot of dust. I thought about my dusted books as I cleared up my room. The less I use what I have the more it becomes dustier and difficult to clean.

Books can be dusted but what about me?

Have I left myself out for so long that I’m too dusted to be recognised?

Have I hidden away the talents that God gave in such a way that it’s all getting lost in the heap of unnecessary activities I’m hanging onto?

Have I not mended my relationship with someone that ended up in a mess  too difficult to clean?

Have I put my efforts in places where it’s just a maybe by ignoring what is a must?

How dusted am I?

I kept wondering.

And as I was cleaning my room I realised that I started with so much enthusiasm and so much care to bring it to spark clean but as time flew by , my patience was lost and now all I wanted to do was somehow finish my job.

It was then that I realised how I treat my own messes , my personal messes , be it spiritual, physical or emotional. I realised that I almost always start out well but then I get lost, I want things to happen soon and so I try to brainstorm except that it backfires and I land back on ground zero.

What I need the most is to remove the minute dust particles that have slowly closed my breathing space and clouded my mind’s eye. That minute dust particles which is clogging me spiritually, physically and emotionally. And I need to clear it out patiently. No rush. Just trusting the process.

Dear Lord, help me to recognise the dust that I’m covered in and help me to come out clean. Amen

"We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

The Uninvited Guest

Today doesn’t seem like other days. There is a gush of strong, cold wind gently striking my face as it makes my flowy dress sway and messes with my messy hair. I’m enjoying this wind flowing from right to left. After every surge, there’s a pause, as if I have to cherish the one that just passed me by.I’m falling in love with this gentle gesture of nature—a cooling breath to an anxious soul.Despite the noise around me—this being a railway station with its constant announcements in English, Hindi, and Telugu, and the varied emotions of the people surrounding me, some happy, some clueless, some angry, some irritated—I’m sitting in a blend of emotions. Yet, the only feeling sweeping over me now is that of peace and calm. Regardless of what’s happening around me, the gush of wind has captured my attention, and all I can do is enjoy its mighty presence. I’m waiting for my train to take me home. For now, I’m simply enjoying the wind, the uninvited guest who is sweeping me off my feet.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:33

In the hiding?

Hiding.
It’s a way of coping.
Coping from what hurts you.

Hide. Where? In the mundane? In the woods? In the secrets of Neverland?

Maybe some years ago if people wanted to hide they had to distance themselves from humanity. That’s the beauty of today’s generation, you need not run away to hide. You can hide right in the middle of a huge crowd. The chances that you are visible to them are almost near to zero and if by mistake you fall in the perimetric view of their vision, you need not fright because they don’t care. Is that a consolation? I mean for those hiding. It makes things easy.I mean seriously.

Hide. Why? Is it pain? Is it sorrow? Is it joy? Is it a person? Is it a job?

Whoever is the reason you are hiding, the chances that they even give an ounce of concern for your situation is questionable. Because if they did have that concern in the first place you wouldn’t have wound up in this situation. But then you can never know. Because everyone has their own perspective and everyone is right in their own eyes.

Well I’m in the hiding now. Hiding from whom and from what is a good question. I have my reasons  but I hope I’m not hiding from myself.

I’m running. I’m halting. I’m watching. I’m resting. I’m dancing. I’m doing everything to keep myself from being a nervous wreck.

I was hiding in the middle of a Mall the other day. Sitting all alone in the food court buzzing with the noise of people. The perfect place to hide. Right in the middle of a crowd.

I witnessed many groups of young kids sitting and jabbering whatever it is and they seemed happy. Their vibrant laughter hit like a siren in my ears. The joy of being with their best friends was seen seeping through their very voices.
Two women were sitting on the adjacent bench drowned in deep conversation, most probably married and sharing family issues. They went on and on for quite some time. Not far from my visual field I saw a cute couple enjoying and basking in each other’s presence. Weird thing love is. They seem to have forgotten that they are in the middle of a crowd. But then hey , who actually cares in a crowd right.

Finally my eyes wandered in search of lonely souls. I mean people like me. Sitting all alone  hiding away from the rest of the world in their own bubble. I found a few, scattered around in the food court. I don’t know if they were enjoying it , if hiding was what they wanted or if they were there like me trying to keep the joy afloat.

Well I’ll never know because of course I don’t have the guts to go up and speak to any of them. I would always prefer to protect my bubble. My boundary. Getting out of it is quite difficult.

I finally got  my chance to sit at my favorite spot. A wooden bench, very close to the large windows. From there I got to see the busy street down below and the metro passing nearby. I could sit here for hours I guess. Hiding in my precious bubble.

It takes real courage to trust someone after people have previously betrayed you. And then again if you end up being broken by people you found courage to trust in ,it is a new level of mess up.

No wonder I like Julius Caesar more than Brutus. Julius might have been a lot of things but he was a good friend. He took all those stabs from his enemies but what broke him was the stab of his dearest friend,Brutus.

Et tu Brute, then falls Caesar.

Et tu.

It’s truly said that if you find a true and loyal friend you have found a treasure. By God’s grace I have quite a few (like real few) from the past 3 decades of my life.

This season of my life hasn’t been that kind to me. When will we learn that we should love people and use things, not use people and love things.

Sometimes I wish I could treat them the way they treat me. But that’s not the essence of life. As my dear priest friend told me that I should never lose my basic essence,the good that is rooted in me, that is something that I should never lose. Never.

But anyway none of this would happen without the knowledge of God, so there has to be some ultimate good in this too. Right?

No matter how much messed up life turns out, there has to be something good in it.

“We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

I don’t know if you are hiding. I don’t know if you are in pain. But I do want to assure you, you are not alone.

And signing off I just want to wind up with what I heard from today’s Sermon. Never hide your talents, the God given talents. Be it whatever.

In the process of coping, in the moments of hiding continue to sing praises to God with the gifts He has bestowed upon you.

Rhyme?

Have you ever lost your rhyme?
Cause I feel that I have lost mine.
I know moments come and go,
But why does it hurt to let go?
This sense of attachment ,
Now turned into resentment.
Sinking deep like a poison ivy,
Worse than the most brutal rivalry.
Strangers turn friends,
isn't that wonderful ?
Friends turn fiends,
isn't that too hurtful?
I've lost the rhythm of my words,
It feels like I've sheathed my swords.
No I don't blame you anymore,
Cause I've been a fool to remain so sore.
So I forgive you my dear friend,
I hope we don't end up fiends.
Have you ever lost your rhyme?
Cause I feel that I have lost mine.

Caught in web

Okay this might be the weirdest post that I’m gonna write.Its half past midnight and here I’m reminiscing about the day. It was a day covered in shades of black and white with a lot of grey areas. Being someone who speaks out my mind if something goes wrong ,I’m considered a complaint box by one of my Assistant Professors here but I don’t mind being called one because that’s what my mom called me back when I was four and spying on my brother’s works in school. It’s just that, I like a bit of investigation.

Some events in the evening gave me a heartache.

To be honest , I like honesty. There is something with me and lies. I’m scared of lies because I know that it always has a way of coming back at us and more importantly right from childhood my mom did insert deep inside my heart that even if I had to die I should not leave the path of truth. And all I can say is I try my best but yes I do fail too.

So coming back to the evening , I fell in a small web of lies left right for me by someone I trusted with my heart. It took me time to realise that it was a lie and deep down in my heart I did forgive her. But then somewhere I knew that it would not be the same. The next time I face her I might not be able to keep my happy face in front of her or at least my true happy smile.

I was thinking about this. Over and over. Why would I not be able to be okay with her though I forgave her. And I realised that the relationship has lost its meaning. And I wondered what would heal that sorrow. It came slowly to me that if only she would openly speak to me and tell me the truth , I knew that I would be happy to forget everything and be back in my friendship.

And it’s then that it hit me. That’s exactly what happens in confession. I open my heart to Jesus and tell Him the wrongs I have done to Him. I ask for forgiveness and He forgives me, forgets my sins and heals my relationship with Him which I strained because of my sins.

I don’t know what this post is meant for.

I don’t know if this is a reminder for you to open up the truth to a person with whom your relationship has been strained or if this is a reminder for you to meet our dear Lord in the confessional so that He may help you get back in relationship with Him.

Whatever it is , I hope that this post helps you to do what is right.

“For nothing is hidden that will not be disclosed, nor is anything secret that will not become known and come to light.” Luke 8:17

Da per matrem mei venire.

Junk

I do not know what is the real reason for the pain.

Is it that I’m no longer who I was or was I ever whom I thought to be.

Weird as it sounds it’s something that’s bothering me.

The change has been bothering me.

The positive axis of change is always wonderful where you are up the trajectory to what you have been made for.

But then there is the negative axis which is pulling you down and away from what you are destined to.

I accept that both trajectories come and go in life though the duration may vary depending on the strength of trust in God but one thing I have got a clear picture about is the fact that the negative axis is the place I don’t want to spend much time in.

All along worried about what would happen, what could happen and what will happen I forgot to realise that all I’m doing is drowning myself in unnecessary sorrow, a huge amount of junk leading to an unhealthy mind and body.

I need to clear that junk.

The junk I’m drowning in.

The junk of unhealthy food.

The junk of improper thoughts.

The junk of unhealthy friendships.

The junk of unnecessary emotions.

The junk of inappropriate perspectives.

The junk of irrelevant wanderings.

The junk of uselessness defined.

It’s time I dump the junk.

I’m not here writing very often and it’s not because I’m busy with the exceptional performance in my career but rather it’s because I’m lost in the junkyard.

“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions.”(Psalm 51:1)

Dear God,

Dear God,

You work so mysteriously. I mean really mysteriously. The more I look into my life the more I’m actually confused at the ways You are weaving things or maybe painting things in my life. It’s like I’m a crochet or a canvas that You are patiently working on. I have to say that Your patience is something I can’t even imagine. I mean how many times I rebel against You when things don’t look okay. How many years I just waste trying to figure out things on my own. How many times You have to repeat the word “TRUST” to me and I fail to to trust You almost every single time. But You don’t give up on me. You continue weaving, knitting, painting , You know what I mean. Small strokes. So gentle that I’m completely clueless till that moment when things become crystal clear. And when things do become crystal clear I’m amazed. I’m just amazed beyond my understanding. How can it be? Really! How can it be? You send the right people at Your time. People whom You are using to shape me to become who You want me to be. My little mind is clueless. So truly clueless. But then You show me how things worked out. You show me “the why”. You amaze me. You sweep me off my feet. You really do. Help me love You as I should.

Your’s lovingly,
The always confused daughter.

Letter To My Weak Self

Dear Weak Me,

I’ve been churning this letter for you for the past few hours in my head but I guess it’s very important that I write this down, so that the next time you feel like you are going to break again, you can come here and read it. Though we hope to be strong every moment of our life, it’s true that we are not. There are times we fail, we fall, we trip and break. But of course it’s not the whole picture. In the midst of all the perils and sorrows we do have joy and peace and serenity and victory. That is how life is. It’s hill after hill. Sometimes it’s a painful walk up to the pinnacle of victory and sometimes it’s a fast fall down to the valley of tears. The journey is difficult but it’s a journey, you don’t stop till the end.

There are some specific things that you need to remember. Very specific for you. Let me address them to you as much as I can.So , where shall we start. Obviously we’ll have to start somewhere right.

The first thing you need to remember is that you need not please people. People pleasing is the worst trait that anyone can have. Trust me it’s not worth it. It’s not at all worth it. It’s nothing more than a waste of our energy and resources. Rather remember to please God. At least when you are trying to please God you know that you are on the right path. Pleasing people will mostly make you trip and fall. And the fall is usually bad. And why am I telling you this first? The answer is simple. You are tragically over hardworking people pleaser. That’s what you need to kick out first.

If this people pleasing behaviour in you dies, then half your troubles dies with it.

Secondly, what you have to get rid of is trying to fit in. The need for fitting in arises only when you are insecure about yourself. Your insecurities , your lack of trust in your own worth makes you crave to fit among the people you are surrounded with. But isn’t your worth priceless. You are priceless. There is one and only one version of you sent down to Earth by God. Why would you want to taint who you are just because you want to fit in with all the rest. You are made for a purpose. Your purpose is not the same as the one next to you. When your purpose is different and you have no doubt regarding your priceless worth, there comes no need for you to try to fit in. So be who God has made you to be. Don’t try to squeeze yourself into ways and means that are not meant for you. There is nothing wrong if you don’t fit in. No problem at all. So learn to say NO to what is not right, say NO to what drains you, say NO to what leads you away from what is holy. Learn to say NO. Don’t thrive to fit in, thrive to be Holy.

You know that trying to fit in is not a new problem of yours. You have done it day in and day out during your college years and you know that it didn’t do you any good. So try to stop it. Be unique. Be Holy.

Thirdly .Discipline. Your score for this is nearly nil. I mean look at yourself. I’m not saying that you aren’t striving for it,you are, but that too in an indisciplined way. There is no rhythm nor perseverance. You strive whenever you want to and you let go whenever you feel like. Basically it means you are inappropriately appropriate or otherwise telling irregularly regular. And truthfully speaking there is no such thing as indisciplined discipline. You get me right. So look into it. Self discipline is a pearl. And you need it gravely. You really need it.

Fourthly. Overthinking. You already know that you are quite an over-thinker. Well people around you also know that you are an exhaustive thinker. Remember those days back in college when you used to stare at the Thinker statue and accept to yourself that you would suit well for the female version but with clothes on, obviously. I’m not blaming you for being a thinker. Thinkers reform. That statement is too overrated for you. But still you know that many things you write down here start as thoughts you ponder on. So thinking is not wrong. Having a look from different perspectives is not wrong but brooding over thoughts that do not matter or living in an imaginary world filled with sorrow and negativity is absolutely wrong. You know it. And it’s not like you do not have the knowledge to differentiate the thoughts. God has blessed you with the gift to realise when you are out of your zone but sadly how far do you act on letting go and walking away from those useless, life sucking negative thoughts. That’s where you fail. Let those go.

Fifthly. Respect people’s decisions. This is a hard pill you have to swallow. You can choose to do good to people but you cannot expect the same goodness from them. Time and again people have proved to you to not look up to them. So don’t. Look up to God. I understand that you have been quite a number of times hurt by the behaviour of those whom you kept close to heart. I realise that you have come to the conclusion with many that they used you when they needed you and once they settled in they stranded you in an island of uncertainty. I know. But if that is their choice, respect it and let them go. Let them go. If your absence gives them joy don’t be shy to give them your absence. Give them your absence beautifully and gracefully. Respect their choice. But nevertheless don’t stop helping those in need. Though it doesn’t count here, those little helps that you do here will count in the life to come.

Lastly, at least for now, let me remind you that your physical health is also important. You know that you are not your healthy self. Do not over eat. More specially speaking, do not stress eat. No. Don’t do it. You have gained too much unnecessary adipose tissue owing to your talent of stress eating and you know very well that you have to quit it. So quit it.

I can understand your pain.You are me aren’t you. I know that reading these words doesn’t give you the greatest joy but you need to remember them and work on them.

So for now my dear Weak Self,look into these. Work on these. The next time I find something new I’ll write to you again.

Your’s lovingly,

Myself

HIDE AND SEEK

Have you ever played the game “Hide and seek”?

It was my favourite when I was young. Being the youngest among my cousins back then, I had the advantage of being able to hide anywhere and everywhere owing to the fact that I was quite small.Obviously I loved to hide.It was fun times.

My love for this game hasn’t decreased even till date . I still love to hide.But I don’t know how much fun it is now.

I love to hide away my feelings and my emotions.

I love to hide away from quote unquote aunty questions regarding my future,my life partner,my career and what not.

I love to hide away from the fact that days are going bullet speed and me slower than the slowest snail.

I love to hide away from anything and everything.

Back when I was young, I remember hiding under a staircase or behind a banana leaf but now I hide from people not physically but in a way most of us hide nowadays.

I hide in the seasons of dramas that I don’t know why I’m watching.

I hide in the innumerable shorts and reels on YouTube and Instagram.

I hide by binge watching movies of languages I don’t even know.

I hide in the Supercell game of farming when I don’t even know how to keep a single plant alive in real life.

I hide in the endless scrolling of searching for matters that don’t even matter to me.

I hide in the restaurants where I go with friends but again going is only physical.

Hiding. Hiding.Hiding.

I’m in hiding while I’m in plain sight.

And the funny thing is that most of us are hiding, that sometimes we are forgetting that there is another part for the game, that is seeking.

I’m still in hiding mode. I cannot lie.

I’m that turtle that puts its head back into the shell because I’m scared.

Scared of what?

That maybe I can discover only if I seek.

SO SEEK.

“But SEEK first the KINGDOM OF GOD and HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS, and all these things will be given to you as well” Matthew 6:33

Do

We try to hold on to things for so long that it ends up hurting us. Sometimes letting go is the only way out. Why do we not want to let go? Why?

Why do we hold onto things that do not give us peace and joy?

It’s weird that many times we can see the speck in the others eye but we are not willing to look at the log in ours.

Why do we need them to let go of something when we can’t let go of what imprisons us?

Why does our being a better leaf depend on another turning their ways around?

Aren’t we all given choices?

Why don’t we choose the right? Why are we so adamant to see others change their ways when we are not even willing to take the slightest imagination of walking away from what’s not right.

The mind is often amusing, the ways it tries to blame the other for relief. How long will we play this game? When will we surrender our hearts to what is important?

When?

The pain is clear as day, the reasons bright as noon, but the attempt to get away from all this is pitch black, all night.

Small or big. A foot or a mile. Every inch we move ahead is distance covered. Every nanosecond of effort matters.

These are jargon if it doesn’t concern you but if it hits you , you know what to do.